Hitch: Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it’s the moments that take your breath away.
Hitch: Always remember, life is not how many breaths you take, it’s how many moments take your breath away.
Hitch: “Coquille St. Jacques.” Death on a leaf!
Sara: What should we toast to?
Hitch: Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.
Hitch: Any guy can sweep any girl off her feet, he just needs the right broom.
Vance: [after telling Hitch that he only wants a girl so he can sleep with her] No, I was told that you help guys get in there.
Hitch: Right, but see, here’s the thing – my clients actually *like* women. “Hit it and quit it” is not my thing.
Vance: Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.
Hitch: Well, *that* is for damn certain.
Vance: [grabs Hitch by the wrist] You see what I’m doing? This is what I’m about – power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.
Hitch: Oh! So that’s, like, a metaphor?
Vance: Oh, yeah.
Hitch: Right. Well, see, I’m more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this…
[he reverses the grip, twists Vance’s arm back and slams him on the table]
Hitch: This is more like me saying that I will literally *break your shit off* if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?
Hitch: Basic Principles – no woman wakes up saying “God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!” Now, she might say “This is a really bad time for me,” or something like “I just need some space,” or my personal favorite “I’m really into my career right now.” You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? ‘Cause she’s lying to you, that’s why. You understand me? Lying! It’s not a bad time for her. She doesn’t need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she’s really saying is “Uh, get away from me now,” or possibly “Try harder, stupid,” but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you’re saying ain’t coming out of your mouth. Of course she’s going to lie to you! She’s a nice person! She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings! What else she going to say? She doesn’t even know you… yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn’t know what she wants until she sees it, and that’s where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles – no matter what, no matter when, no matter who… any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.
Hitch: [Hitch showed Sara where her great-great-grandfather Juan signed into Ellis Island, and she ran out the door crying] I’m really sorry. When I saw him on the computer, it said “The Butcher of Cadíz.” I thought it was a profession, not a headline.
Sara: Relationships are for people who are waiting for something better to come along.
Hitch: One dance, one look, one kiss, that’s all we get, Albert. Just… one shot, to make the difference between happily ever after, and oh? he’s just some guy I went to some thing with once.
Albert: You can’t stop it…
Albert: You cannot stop it…
Albert: I want to jump in front of every cab I see, because maybe then I’ll stop thinking about her.
Albert: Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. I’m going out of my mind. I want to throw myself off every building in New York. I see a cab and I want to dive in front of it because that way I’ll stop thinking about her.
Hitch: You will just give it time.
Albert: That’s just it. I don’t want to I’ve waited my whole life to feel this miserable. If this is the only way I can stay connected with her then this is who I have to be.
Hitch: [Struggling to speak with Sara through her peephole, explaining why he pauses] … This is weird – I don’t have me behind the door.
Hitch: What’s that?
[indicating the donuts]
Albert: I figured maybe if my heart stops beating it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I’m, I’m going out of my mind. It’s like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I, I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I’ll stop thinking about her.
Hitch: Look, you will. Just give it time.
Albert: That’s just it. I don’t want to. I mean, I’ve waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then… well, this is who I have to be.
Sara: So, you kinda like me, huh?
Hitch: No. I love you.
Hitch: So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows… but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re enjoying your life, and the next you’re wondering how you ever lived without them.
Hitch: Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back, say it in her ear like a secret. But watch your hand placement, too high says, ‘I just wanna be friends,’ too low says, ‘I just wanna grab some ass.’
Albert: [making holding gestures at different levels] Okay… Friends. Ass. Me.
Hitch: Because that’s what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, Sarah, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly… is you.
Hitch: Basic principles… there are none.
Albert: You know what it’s like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it’s never going to be with you.
Sara: [on her cell phone talking to Geoff, on her way to work] Did I call it or did I call it? I mean, what did I say, six months? And when was her first date? So five-and-a-half? God, I hate it when I’m right. I mean, what is it about guys that makes them want to screw anything that walks, even when they’re going out with someone as awesome as Allegra Cole? I mean, she’s only the single most fabulous thing walking around New York. Thanks Young
[to guy working at newsstand]
Sara: . Are you kidding? Of course I’m gonna run it. Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat? Even if he is gorgeous. Hey, if he’s stupid enough to cheat then the world should know he’s dumb enough to get caught.
Hitch: [in reference to the seafood appetizer] Coquille St-Jacques, my ass! Death on a leaf!
[Unimpressed with Albert’s dance moves, Hitch pauses the music and slaps him across the face]
Hitch: Get out.
Hitch: Like I always tell my clients – begin each day as if it were on purpose.
Sara: Oh, God. You’re a morning person, aren’t you?
Hitch: Well, you know, like I always tell my clients, “Begin each day as if it were on purpose.”
Hitch: Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?
Sara: So life’s kind of hard all around.
Hitch: Not if you pay attention. I mean, you’re sending all the right signals – no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you’re wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn’t do it. And if that wasn’t clear enough, there’s always the “fuck off” sign that you have stamped on your forehead.
[Albert is holding a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts]
Hitch: What you got there?
Albert: This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn’t hurt so much.
Hitch: [talking about when kissing going 90 per cent then he goes 10] All right show me the magic.
[going to kiss Hitch]
Hitch: [after being kissed] What the hell?
Albert: Well, you said show me the magic
Hitch: Yeah, but you go 90 then I go 10. You don’t go the whole hundred, you over-eager son of a… BLECH!
Hitch: [to Albert] Don’t need no pizza. They got plenty of food there.
Albert: [showing Hitch his dance moves] Do the Q-tip! Q-tip! Now throw it away! Now what am I doing? I’m makin a pizza!
Hitch: I’m a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?
Max: Spoken like a true cynic.
Sara: I’m not a cynic, I’m a realist!
Max: Or a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.
Hitch: No guile, no game… No girl
Hitch: I’m like a vault baby, locked down!
Sara: What’s your name?
Chip: They call me Chip.
Sara: Aw, you can’t get ’em to stop?
Hitch: Heard of Michelangelo? Heard of the Sistine Chapel?
[Points at himself]
[Points at Albert]
Hitch: Sistine Chapel.
Albert: So you’re saying you can make this work?
Hitch: My name is Alex Hitchens. Let’s go paint that ceiling.